What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 04:39
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I have no regrets .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
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This is how, and why children get BPD.
She married twice! .
Ive learnt so much.
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I write beautiful poetry .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
What are the new technological advancements we should adopt?
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
When she asked me how she looked .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
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We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I was seconnd youngest,
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Why am I attracted to older men?
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
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Comes on , in middle age.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Does centrifugal force teach us about gravity?
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
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I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
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And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I think the readers, may guess!
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I don,t even have a pension.
Would this be the day?
I couldn’t, believe it.
Why do people with trauma easily recognize other people with trauma through eye contact?
Put me off passion for life!!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
She wouldn,t have been !
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
My life is so biszare .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I was 9 years of age.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
So whats the point in blame.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
And i lived it daily.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I was very sick at this time too.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I waited trembling.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Who then, do I blame.?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
One cannot live in the past .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I will be 64.
So, i spoilt her more .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He knew the spot.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
All the time i was locked up.
She loved him until the end.
But, we were locked up after school.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Especially a lifetime of it.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But it wasn’t much.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
(And it was in our own minds.)
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I never cut or harmed myself..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
We all went to grammer schools
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
We were not on the streets..
She was in good health!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I said to her
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Was to survive, this bastard.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Im still living with it.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But ive been too sick for many years..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
My family never makes their pension either.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I was scared of men, in general
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He resisted the act ,that day.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
What did i know ?
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
She found it foreign!.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
It was going to be , some day.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
This is soul school!.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.